Bachelor Life vs. Real Life

 

So I heard there's this show called The Bachelor and all the ladies love it.

How do I know?

Because it's in Season 15 of the show and you will inevitably hear about if you are in the presence a female anytime between the time of Monday and Tuesday morning. 

As I attempted to come up with a good way to describe the show, I immediately thought of things that were addictive. Naturally, drugs was the most obvious choice.

But what type of drug would The Bachelor be?

Well, a hallucinogen of course.

After all, hallucinogens change a user's perception of reality. What better way to describe this popular network TV show, then to say that it does just that.

But I don't have a gripe about the way The Bachelor is affecting the minds of aspiring wives across the country. To me, it's just reinforcing certain views that were hammered home many years ago.

I'm referring to Disney movies in which lovely princesses are swept off their feet by a charming prince. Playing off of an old social studies phrase they use to throw at us, I like to call this the "Divine Right of Princesses" (instead of kings).

The "Divine Right of Princesses" is all part of an upbringing that begins with a father who tells his daughter that she is a princess. The newly crowned princess relishes her father's attention and trusts that nothing bad will ever happen to her as long as he is there. She sees other princesses going through the same type of treatment. It starts with movies such as The Little Mermaid and Aladdin and then turns into tweenage Disney shows like Hannah Montana. By the time a princess embraces a higher degree of pop culture, she will inevitably gravitate to real life princesses such as Taylor Swift (but hopefully not Paris Hilton).

When the princess comes of age and has to leave her original home, her father performs the utmost due diligence to make sure she is ready. Necessary resources are sent with the princess to her new home including high maximum credit cards, gas guzzling SUV's, and a highly-reliable smartphone so the princess can call her "daddy" whenever things get too out of control. These four years of a princess' life are called college and they can be rough. This is also the first time she might find her first real prince.

The princess will do a thorough search but she will not settle for anything. If four years go by without finding "the one" the first natural thought will be to go to graduate school. This makes plenty of sense because in graduate school, the possible pool is much more selective (I've heard someone say, "undergrad is where you go to have fun. Grad school is where you go to find a husband'). If graduate school is not an option (or she can't get in based on her undergraduate college performance), things get much more complicated. Dating sites are a possibility but the real princes, like Eric from The Little Mermaid or Prince Philip from Sleeping Beauty are not members. Life turns into a complicated dating scene and sitcoms about post-college singles become an easy way to escape from reality (and yes, I am referring to Friends and How I Met Your Mother).

But then came along The Bachelor, the idea that the perfect prince charming was at your fingertips and all you had to do was wear a cute dress and appear before millions. This was something all single (and even non-single) hopeless romantics would just sink for. Go on a date on a multimillion dollar yacht, go cliff diving in the Caribbean or take a helicopter tour of a foreign countryside.

Not to be forgotten is the fact that you have to vie for his heart against several fierce competitors...oh wait, I mean potential romantic interests.

This recurrent theme can be described by an age-old two-word phrase: cat fight.

This is the one "redeeming quality" I do appreciate in The Bachelor. While I don't condone the fairy tales that this ratings-monster enforces, I acknowledge that it hasn't created this fantasy either. That has been taken care of by hundreds of years of socialization and does not look like it will change anytime soon. I accept it for what it is, but let's be very clear...average guys are not benefiting from this show in any way shape or form.

Egypt, New York

Egypt, New York is a small township in the western part of the state. In order to find it on a map, you will have to reference the most local atlas at your library. There are hardly any search inquiries for Egypt on the internet. Search Egypt, NY and you will probably be directed to a flight booking website offering flights from New York City to Cairo. The most famous person from Egypt is probably the local pastor. Everyone in Egypt, NY probably knows each other and likes each other as well.

That's why I was surprised when protesters in Madison, WI were comparing their living conditions to the people in Egypt. Since most of these Midwesterners have never been to the Middle East, it only made sense to me that they were referring to Egypt, NY. Of course it seemed unlikely that so many Wisconsinites knew this quaint town a few miles away from where I grew up, but this seemed like the only logical explanation for their deep knowledge of the conditions in Egypt.

But as I listened and observed to what they were saying about Egypt and how it related to their current "struggle" in Madison, I realized they were actually alluding to the recent protests in Egypt...the country. I understood the protest parallel but frankly, it made little to no sense to me how this union protest in Madison, WI, one of the most liberal friendly towns in America, could remind anyone of the turbulent and sometimes violent struggle thousands of miles away.

There was one sign that read, "I went to Rome, and came back to Egypt." Clearly, the bearer of this sign must have experienced harsh dictatorship, unaffordable food prices and fear of death when he got home. Sounds like he should have stayed in Rome.

I guess it becomes even more obvious how absurd these metaphor slinging, attention-whores have gotten, when their standard bearer, Mr. Jon Stewart, has dropped them like they're hot.

On his quasi-news, quasi-comedy, yet totally entertaining, Daily Show, Stewart called out those stupid enough to make the Madison to Egypt comparison by setting the facts straight. First, that people have very short memories and tend to use the most recent news story to create some kind of world narrative that doesn't quite add up. Protest is part of human nature. Just because two are going on at the same time does not mean that they are in any way, shape or form, related (direct quote from Stewart). In fact, I even believe some protesters in Madison thought they were carrying some imaginary torch passed on to them from Egypt, when they decided to take to the streets. When I hear such sentiments as "I'm now part of history" I cannot refrain from taking the protesters less seriously. Last time I checked, history only takes place years after a given time or event. Maybe, it's the social networking phenomenon that convinced us that we can instantly be a part of history. After all, that kind of technology has already made us more self-oriented than ever before.

The second point Stewart made was no where in Madison, WI nor the United States of America for that matter, are protesters being exposed to oncoming bullets or savage mob activity. In fact, people around the world have been providing free food and drink to the Madison protesters, via local delivery services. I think it would be nice if some of the protesters in Egypt had gotten a free slice of pizza when they were trying to dodge bullets. It would only seem fair.

The third point, and most revealing in my mind, was reminding everyone that Governor Walker was elected with 52% of the state's vote just months ago. Everyone knew who Scott Walker was and what he was going to do. Those who didn't, should have done some research on him or not have voted for him in the first place. Supposedly, there should be around 52% of Wisconsinites who agree with this collective bargain-squashing bill. Unfortunately, there are much less than that figure, because people didn't do their homework. Or maybe, the Obamaniacs weren't as energized as they were in 2008 and weren't able to swing a very impressionable segment of the Wisconsin population. Either way, Walker is no Mubarak. If anything, he's just the tails on a heads or tails flip for control of the governorship (or at least the way it usually breaks down in such a purple state).

What's most disturbing about this sensationalism is that it does not give brave protesters who risk their lives for what they believe in, a fair shake. By making outlandish comparisons to situations we don't even understand, we are minimalizing the contribution those in the Middle East are making towards democracy (or at least hopefully, towards that end). I know, it's not a lot of people who were making this analogy but it would have been assuring if those in their ranks could have spoken up and told them to leave the bull shit at home. That above most other things, would have at least convinced me that these protesters in Madison, WI have some real courage.

Thou Shalt Not: Real Talk Commandments

Long time, no post. I'll just give it the old "I've been busy line." Between new work and disfunctional computers, it's not easy to blog. Then again, nobody said it'd be easy...

In the spirit of such list-inspired sites such as Brobible.com and BustedCoverage.com, I've decided to start an ongoing list of life's "Do's and Don'ts". For all intensive purposes, this will be a pretty universal list...in other words, there will be a little something for everyone. However, I will put out make a disclaimer that there will be more male-geared advice than female. Why? Because, I don't quite understand the female mind as say would...an actual female. Hopefully that suffices.

Anyways, I'll hit you with a few of these words of wisdom, which I'll just call my Real Talk Commandments. Look for more installments in the future.

1. Roll with cash...

Whether you're a personal finance guru or a dimwit who owes hundreds of thousands to Visa and Mastercard, you should know one thing....always roll with cash. Okay, so this is a bit over-generalized, I know, but there's never a situation in life where it's good to leave the house without some paper money. I say at least a $20 is pretty standard (I prefer 21 because I consider it a lucky charm) but something is better than nothing. If you like to go out on weekends, rolling with cash is a must. Research how much money you usually spend each weekend and then withdraw that amount (in cash) from your bank on Friday afternoon. When you go out, leave half of it at home and then bring half with you (for Friday and Saturday). You should have about as much money as you'll need (maybe a little less if it's a Dude, Where's My Car? night). This way, you won't have to open a tab and say, forget your card or write an absurd tip amount on the cashier's receipt. Also, for a lot of bars, bartenders prefer cash because they get it right away. Some beverage establishments don't allow their bartenders to draw cash out of the registers at the end of the night. So even if you think you'll end up spending all your cash at the bar because you're carrying around cash, at least you know you're not spending much more than you would on any other given night (Warning: Do bring a credit card just in case you need some $$$ for a cab or something...but you only need one card...the others could get lost when you epically lose your wallet).

2. Don't get into an argument with a hot girl...

This one you'll never win. There's a generally accepted principle that you shouldn't get into arguments with girls in the first place. The escalation process is very one-sided and you really have to back down when things could get physical (and not good physical). Obviously, life isn't always how we expect it and you will run into a few foul-mouthed, inconsiderate individuals of the XX-type. Yeah, you wish you could give them a real piece of your mind, but that's why you roll with a few girls of your own (friends and/or actual girlfriend). If you have an assertive entourage of the fairer sex, you can have them help with the dirty work, that is, using the words that only make you look like an asshole when you use them (this is why it's called the Real Talk Commandments). If things get really bad, leave the drink spilling and hair pulling to them. Don't worry, they have the proper training.

The only time when it's worse than getting into an argument with a girl, is getting into an argument with a hot girl. Let's paint the picture.

Chances are the only reason you are getting into an argument with a hot girl is not by choice. If it was up to you, you would be spitting the normal game you usually spit on a Friday night when you typically get shot down. That's a given. However, on the rare occasion where an argument just naturally develops, you are pretty much fucked. You can call her a slut, call her ugly, or call her fat...but you know all of these are untrue. When you resort to these contrived insults, you are only making the situation worse and further ruining your night and reputation at that given bar. Even worse is the looming possibility that the hot girl's super-jacked, protein-shake guzzling boyfriend is nearby. In this case, no one will have your back.

If you're not a hot girl, you've come to realize that they're the most privileged class of people on earth. Every girl wants to be them and every guy wants to be with them. Even if you're feuding with one, you still want to sleep with her because she's hot. It's a sick reality. The best idea is to have a girlfriend who is hot and also know a lot of hot girls who consider you their friend. This is the best way to hedge against being in the position of helpless guy getting into an argument with hot girl.

3. You should respect your elders but not the ones who are complete assholes to you...

I'm very old school and believe in such principles as respecting your elders and chivalry. You help an old lady at the grocery store and let ladies sit down before you. It's mostly something you grow up with and continue on the rest of your life. Most of the time you don't get recognized for these acts but that's not why we do them. It's just part of being a good citizen of the world (sounds a bit weak, but I'm deep like that).

One thing I won't put up with is letting an old person step all over you and be a complete asshole. There's a difference between respecting your elders and letting a person who just happened to be born before you say anything they want to you and as a result make you feel like shit. I'm sorry but I think you have a right to put someone in their place even if they're older than you.

A few weeks ago, a really old cab driver came up to me at work and complained how bad our business had become. I tried to spin it positive but this old geezer was just full of the dark side. Complained about the cleanliness of the building, the people who worked there and how he hated coming there. He then proceeded to use our bathroom and leave. So, my first instinct was to understand that he's a senior citizen who probably doesn't have much going in his life and probably never has. How can you blame a person for not being in love with life if his life sucks? Smile and say goodbye right?

But that has nothing to do with making another individual feel like they are a bad person. If you're in a position where some geriatric sour apple is just railing at you as a person or things that you stand for, you don't have to just stand there and nod. If you're at work like I was, of course you do, but in your own personal life, absolutely not. Tell them that they're out of line and just because they're old, that doesn't give them a right to say anything they want to. If they disagree on continue on with their rant, then you can put them in their place...geriatric fuck.

Giada

Giada De Laurentiis is the host of a cooking show on the Food Network. She reminds me of Natalie Portman if Natalie Portman looked more like a pornstar. Giada is one of many underrated female TV personalities who deserve more attention. Also on this list include: Erin Burnett, Amanda Drury, Jeannie Mai, Reshma Shetty (okay, she's an actress but very underrated), Jenn Brown, and Robin Meade.

Now you can ask and they can tell

This morning, the U.S. Senate repealed the controversial military policy of "Don't ask, don't tell." The vote basically split on party lines (65-31) with eight Republicans joining fifty-five Democrats and two Independents to overturn the ban on openly gay citizens serving in the military.

Looking at this from a civil rights perspective, today's decision is a step in the right direction for anyone who advocates for equal rights in this country. While I don't believe in individuals getting special privileges just because they belong to a certain identity group, I highly support rectifying the existing inequalities in this society so we as Americans can truly say we live in the greatest country in the world (which we do).

This starts with allowing gays to openly serve in the military. No more old wives tales of gays being disruptive to "morale, good order and discipline." Clearly, if there's sexual assault going on in the military, its more likely to be between heterosexual male members and their female peers. To the panic-stricken Americans who think this decision will affect the military's competitive advantage, please get the images out of your head that Carson from Queer Eye for the Straight Guy is going to be enlisting anytime soon. If anything, this decision benefits the already dedicated (gay) soldiers in Iraq and Afghanistan who have never had the peace of mind to feel fully comfortable with themselves in the very high pressure environments they currently serve. To that, sixty-five senators today made the right decision.

For those senators who did not see eye-to-eye with the movement to repeal (and by extension, Secretary of Defense Robert Gates and Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, Michael Mullen who under oath voiced their support for the repeal) I at least give them their right to disagree. While there are two sides to every argument, the way ban supporters went about making their case did little more than injure the United States' reputation as a champion of equal rights and toleration. The dialogue that emerged from this debate was at times every much as backwards as the policy itself (go figure). If the ban supporters had legitimate arguments to back up their claims I would cut them a bit of slack. However, this was a sad display by the Republican party, who finally had the opportunity to put some of their antiquated social politics to rest. To Scott Brown, Richard Burr, Susan Collins, John Ensign, Mark Kirk, Lisa Murkowski, Olympia Snowe and George Voinovich, kudos for being on the "right" side of the argument this time. To the thirty-one Republicans who voted no, including a man I admire, John McCain, please come up with a better argument next time so you won't make yourselves look so bitter and intolerant.

It's bad enough we have snotty liberals like Keith Olbermann and Rachel Maddow telling us how they're right all the time. By voting no on the don't ask, don't tell repeal, Republicans just made the far left look a bit less conceited and much more mainstream. It just seems that the GOP can't find the center when it comes to social issues.

Money doesn't buy you happiness revisited

Maybe a more appropriate title for this blogpost might be "be careful what you wish for."

This morning, Mark Madoff, son of infamous white collar criminal Bernie Madoff, was found dead in his apartment. Mark, 46, committed suicide in his home on Saturday, shortly after sending his wife an email asking her to check on their 2-year old child. The child, who was in the home at the time of the incident, was found unharmed according to investigators.

Mark Madoff was a highroller who benefitted immensely from the money his father stole from unsuspecting investors. Although Mark worked closely with his father and brother Andrew, at the moment there are no legal charges filed against the now-deceased 46-year old father of two.

The news this morning only fuels the intrigue surrounding this real-life drama. Native New Yorkers have seen the story all over the city for the past several months. There seems to be a certain mystique to the rise-and-fall of Madoff. Last week, a personal auction, selling several of Madoff's personal belongings was held, generating quite a bit of interest. Obviously, there seems to be an added element of interest in this story, which has been not only the talk at local watercoolers, but private dinner tables as well.

Outside of New York, the Madoff saga has become the ultimate symbol for Wall Street greed and a microcosm for why the financial system needs to be more tightly regulated. Yes, it's easy to see why this might be the case, but for a lot of people, the story is becoming part of an anti-business crusade that is losing a coherent focus. Madoffs bad, middle class good, but unfortunately it's more complicated than that.

With today's report of Mark Madoff's death, the obvious question of whether his father, who is currently incarcerated for 150 years, can attend his son's memorial service comes to light. Shouldn't a man, despite his wrongdoings be able to bury his son in the ground? There has been precedent for this kind of arrangement as well. So let Bernie Madoff make his peace with his son, right?

Well, the way I look at it, Bernie Madoff was directly responsible for his son's death. Just as he was directly responsible for his son's wealthy upbringing and lifestyle, Bernie Madoff created the problems that would plague his son and lead to his death. Death threats, decaying health, and the dark thoughts that must follow any man who thinks millions of people hate his guts are the reason why two children are now fatherless this morning. The man responsible? Well, he can add eternal guilt to the 150 years he will be spending away from society.

To me, this is not a story that tells us that money doesn't buy happiness. Obviously, money provided the Madoff's with a lifestyle that made them very, very happy. But was their happiness just an illusion? To that, I say most likely not. The only point where the Madoff's fairy tale lifestyle become an all-out nightmare was when the Ponzi scheme went broke and investors began catching onto Bernie Madoff's illegal operation.

What I will say is, above all else, this story warns us to be careful what we wish for. Even if we want oodles and oodles of money, we better visit a genie that at least took business ethics at a graduate school level. If not, bad things are not out of the question. For the Madoffs, the bad things in life have yet to cease. From reading the demise of families in certain Shakespeare tales, I would say there could be some more misery yet in store.

Throwback songs used in commercials

I've noticed recently that a lot of commercials these days feature music from decades past. I'll be the first one to admit that this phenomenon is nothing new...actually it's been going on for quite some time and it makes plenty of sense why (older music is more easy to identify, appeals to a larger demographic). What I find interesting about this choice of marketing is the underlying motivation behind its use. Currently, I have a theory that older music is being chosen for new commercials because it gives viewers a sense of nostalgia for times when the country was in a much better state. People associate the mid-twentieth century in the United States with widespread economic prosperity. Companies today can recreate that feeling of economic prosperity (by using classic songs) when consumerism was at an all-time high. Be sure to be on the look out next time you see a commercial playing on TV and you hear that timeless classic from the 50's, 60's or 70's.

The video above comes from Hewlett-Packard's 2010 "Happy Baby" commercial. The song selection comes from Melanie Safka's 1971 hit, Brand New Key. The lyrics go, I got a brand new pair of roller skates, You got a brand new key, I think that we should get together and try them out you see. If you listen to the song or know anything about when it was written, you will hear that timeless feel to it with a little bit of folk melody mixed in (Safka said it reminded her of an old thirties tune). Besides being one of my favorite commercials today, it also plays of the whole nostalgia theme quite well, giving a potentially bland product a unique appeal that transcends reasonable explanation. Why should we want an HP printer because of some addicting song? Well for one, it reminds us of the must-have products Americans started buying in bulk in the mid-twentieth century (luxury home items that soon became necessity home items, i.e. certain household appliances). That's what you call clever marketing my friend.