Who does that?

One of my favorite phrases is "Who does that?" The perfect timing to use this phrase is when someone does something completely unthinkable that happens to also be completely hilarious. Usually the answer to the who part of the question is a person who just doesn't give a fuck. They're crazy, they're hilarious. We salute them.

2012

 

The year is 2012. Washington, D.C. is mired in political turmoil and the end is no where in sight. America is afflicted with a serious disease called bipolar disorder. The country can no longer think in terms other than us. vs. them, Main Street vs. Wall Street, and one percent vs. the ninety-nine percent. There is one bright spot however. America has finally learned the concept of credit.

Nearly six-thousand miles away, Damascus, Syria faces an entirely different kind of political turmoil. Their unrest borders all-out civil war. With the state of volatility in Syria, civil war could be realized any day now. Russia and China want the other U.N. Security Council members to butt out. Russia on the other hand wants in. Clearly, Russia still wants its part of the Middle East. Russia's long-term survival rests on $125 per barrel oil prices (currently $116). Oil talks.

Iran and Saudi Arabia jockey to influence the developments in Damascus. Iran is closely aligned with Syria's current Assad regime. By extension, Saudi Arabia favors his opposition. Behind the scenes the two sides plot to out maneuver the other if and when the opposite side decides to move. So far, all is quiet. That could all change any day now. There is no love lost between Iran and Saudi Arabia. Their war is still cold...for now.

Israel cannot help but sit on the edge of its seat. For years, the Israelis have flirted with the idea of attacking Iran's nuclear weapon facilities. Iran's leader has not been shy about expressing his plans for Israel and no one in Israel believes this is an empty threat. If Iran plunges into open warfare on the Middle East subcontinent, Israel finally has the opening to attack Iran under pretenses of war. By aligning with Iran's likely enemy, Saudi Arabia, Israel will not paint itself as the aggressor. 

Back in Washington, a financially-strapped government must decide whether to aid its closest allies in the Middle East, Saudi Arabia and Israel. Since the Bush II administration the GOP has steered clear of foreign policy issues. A familiar faction in the Republican party reemerges in the debate over intervention. Back from a near decade-long hiatus, the neoconservatives bring back foreign policy to the GOP's front and center. Norman Podhoretz is still the wise teacher of this movement that demands Obama  put troops back in the Middle East. It's only been a year since Afghanistan and Iraq have been withdrawn.

The stock market is frozen. Commodity prices sky rocket. In Russia, Putin gets his $125 per barrel oil prices and his budgetary concerns are quelled. There's rampant violence in the Middle East. 

The year is 2012.

Sign Stevie

As the old saying goes, there are only two things guaranteed in life...death and taxes. Fans in Western New York might be familiar with a third guarantee: a terrible draft by their hometown Bills.

It all started in the early 2000s. Up until that point, One Bills Drive had cleaned up in the first round draft pick department. The list looks like this: 1983: Jim Kelly, 1985: Bruce Smith 1995: Ruben Brown, 1996: Eric Moulds, 1999: Antoine Winfield. When you consider that most of these picks were selected in the mid-to-late first round, you only gain more respect for what the Bills front office was able to pull off.


Guided by those very players who the Bills front office had brought together in Buffalo, the team achieved one of the most herculean feats in all of sports. They made the playoffs ten times in a twelve-year span. This historic run included four Super Bowl appearances in a row, a feat no team has and probably never will come close to in the near future. By 1999, the Bills were undoubtedly one of the most feared opponents on any team's schedule.

And then the pass. It was a backwards pass the referees said and that's all there was to it. It landed in the hands of a young wide receiver who would only spend a few years in the NFL. 1999 was his most memorable year and you may know him better as the guy whose arm was one-yard too short of the greatest comeback in Super Bowl history.

Shortly after was the firing.

Wade Phillips, the coach who led the team to three straight .500 or above seasons from 1998-2000 and won 60% of his regular season games (equivalent to 9.6 wins per season) was ousted. He too would never overcome the backwards pass.

In the last NFL draft that Phillips was head coach, Buffalo drafted a young lineman out of Arizona State. No one really knew his name at the time and most people in Buffalo probably don't know his name today. Erik Flowers, a player who would spend five years in the NFL, became the embodiment of Bills draft picks for the next decade.

From 2000 to the present, the Bills have amassed a list of first round draft failures that few other teams could match in a span of two or three decades. The "next-franchise" tackle out of Texas ended up being the worst draft pick in Bills history. The Bills surrendered future first day draft picks to trade back in the first round for J.P. Losman and later John McCargo. The team had the number eleven pick back-to-back years from 2008-2009 and ended up with Leodis McKelvin and Aaron Maybin. Not to be forgotten is the sickening reminder that in a span of seven years, the Bills used three first round draft picks on running backs.

Which brings me to a very important point.

The Bills are not a team who can just replace talent in the draft a la their division "rivals" in New England. You will not find a Rob Gronkowski on the Bills roster to replace a Randy Moss nor a Jerod Mayo to replace a Junior Seau.

That is why the debate among local sport writers on whether Stevie Johnson should be resigned or not is ludicrous. The Bills do not have a young player on offense nearly as established as Johnson nor do they have someone with such star power off the field. Letting Johnson walk would cripple an already feeble offense looking for a bit of hope.

Offer Johnson something comparable to Anquan Boldin in Baltimore or Brandon Lloyd in St. Louis and if he balks at the offer, let him test the market. Once he realizes no team will offer him WR1 money long-term, he will likely be very cooperative in signing a 4 to 5 year deal with the Bills.

It comes down to this: the Bills will never have a Randy Moss or Larry Fitzgerald type receiver because their offense will never pass enough on a consistent basis to create Moss or Fitzgerald individual statistics. Given the current state of the Bills offense, an 80-reception 1,100-yard guy is pretty much the most you could hope for. That's exactly what Stevie Johnson brings to this Buffalo Bills offense.

There is no realistic way that Johnson or any other receiver for that matter could produce better statistics in the Bills offense. That's not a knock on Johnson or whoever is the main target in Buffalo but rather an accurate understanding of the Bills offense and what type of pass/run breakdown is necessary to stay competitive. For Buffalo, that breakdown is more skewed towards the run with a strong 1-2 running back tandem of Fred Jackson and CJ Spiller. When local sportswriters compare Johnson to the top WR1 in the league, I laugh. You can't compare apples and oranges just like you can't compare Bills and Patriots.

Strange attractions

A few years ago, scientists in Toronto discovered the dimensions of a perfect female face. After months of painstaking Google image searches, our friendly neighbors to the north revealed that Shania Twain was the absolute epitome of female beauty. Even though Shania isn't easily impressed, I'm sure she cozied up to the idea that scientific research pinpointed her as the 21st century Helen of Troy.

But let's be honest; not every woman's face has the potential to launch a thousand ships. Everyone has their flaws and there's certainly no shame in it. Take for example Judy Greer (pictured above). You might know Judy as the girl who plays the lead female characters' best friend. Judy dominates this role and has really excelled at solidifying this niche. What's most interesting about Judy however, is her physical appeal.

Conventional wisdom says that Judy is a cute, next door type. I'm quite confident most men would not turn down the chance to be with a girl like her. But when we're talking about knockout, 12-year old boy bedroom poster status, she's just not quite it. Frankly speaking, she is often cited for having a disproportional nose.

Culturally, this is usually not a celebrated feature. Many years of Anglo-Saxon socialization in this country have deemed the perfect female nose as a small, symmetrical protrusion that points slightly up rather than hooking down. There's not much of a fan base behind the aquiline nose (sorry Adrian Brody).

But sometimes, there's exceptions to the rule.

For instance, I find for some girls that a distinguished nose with a slight bump near the bridge is actually quite attractive. I think it's a cute little quirk on some girls that really works for certain individuals. Judy Greer is just one example of a person who it works on.

Now, I'm not advocating for snaggle teeth (but I do see more high fashion models with that distinct gap in between the two front teeth) however, certain features society has traditionally labeled unattractive are not always quite that way. There are countless individuals who have strange attractions to unconventional beauty. In short, all people have their own fetishes and we are all deep down attracted to something that might not sound as appetizing to others. It's the people who openly admit what they're attracted to (yes, I have a huge crush on Judy Greer duh) even in the face of adversity that really make the world a wonderful place to live in. Everyone's imperfect but sometimes imperfection is beautiful. Just think of all the strange crushes you've had and try to say otherwise.

Lifting

  

One of my favorite pop culture terms is the word "meathead." At first it was a highly pejorative term that yuppy intellectual types gave their more physically fit brethren.  "Oh, Michael is such a meat-head, if he's putting up 275 on the bench he must be putting up a 75 IQ."

However, those same "meatheads" did what all great practitioners of psychological warfare do...they embraced the term.

Now, the people using the term meathead, are the meatheads. Embedded in the term's new meaning is a self-deprecating acknowledgment that lifting weights doesn't take much brains. However, also inherent in the new-use of the term is a lack of seriousness about the accuracy behind weight-lifters being just dumb jocks. Meatheads will no longer be offended if you're calling them just that.

So just to clear the air, here's my two cents about lifting weights.

The reason I love lifting (aside from the proven endorphine effect) is because it's one of the few honest pursuits in life. 

In a world where the truth isn't always easy to come by, lifting is as honest as Abraham Lincoln. Everything that you ask of your body to put up a certain amount of weight is very clear cut. You either can or you can't. The weight you are lifting is exactly the weight you think you're lifting. The results you get from an honest workout never lie. This stuff is hard-earned, the way all good things in life should be.

So, that's my stance on lifting. To me, it's as much philosophical as any other activity in life. Because we don't always get what we see, it's nice to finally have something in your life that's 100% honest. Plus, you feel good. Thanks endorphines.

Bachelor Life vs. Real Life

 

So I heard there's this show called The Bachelor and all the ladies love it.

How do I know?

Because it's in Season 15 of the show and you will inevitably hear about if you are in the presence a female anytime between the time of Monday and Tuesday morning. 

As I attempted to come up with a good way to describe the show, I immediately thought of things that were addictive. Naturally, drugs was the most obvious choice.

But what type of drug would The Bachelor be?

Well, a hallucinogen of course.

After all, hallucinogens change a user's perception of reality. What better way to describe this popular network TV show, then to say that it does just that.

But I don't have a gripe about the way The Bachelor is affecting the minds of aspiring wives across the country. To me, it's just reinforcing certain views that were hammered home many years ago.

I'm referring to Disney movies in which lovely princesses are swept off their feet by a charming prince. Playing off of an old social studies phrase they use to throw at us, I like to call this the "Divine Right of Princesses" (instead of kings).

The "Divine Right of Princesses" is all part of an upbringing that begins with a father who tells his daughter that she is a princess. The newly crowned princess relishes her father's attention and trusts that nothing bad will ever happen to her as long as he is there. She sees other princesses going through the same type of treatment. It starts with movies such as The Little Mermaid and Aladdin and then turns into tweenage Disney shows like Hannah Montana. By the time a princess embraces a higher degree of pop culture, she will inevitably gravitate to real life princesses such as Taylor Swift (but hopefully not Paris Hilton).

When the princess comes of age and has to leave her original home, her father performs the utmost due diligence to make sure she is ready. Necessary resources are sent with the princess to her new home including high maximum credit cards, gas guzzling SUV's, and a highly-reliable smartphone so the princess can call her "daddy" whenever things get too out of control. These four years of a princess' life are called college and they can be rough. This is also the first time she might find her first real prince.

The princess will do a thorough search but she will not settle for anything. If four years go by without finding "the one" the first natural thought will be to go to graduate school. This makes plenty of sense because in graduate school, the possible pool is much more selective (I've heard someone say, "undergrad is where you go to have fun. Grad school is where you go to find a husband'). If graduate school is not an option (or she can't get in based on her undergraduate college performance), things get much more complicated. Dating sites are a possibility but the real princes, like Eric from The Little Mermaid or Prince Philip from Sleeping Beauty are not members. Life turns into a complicated dating scene and sitcoms about post-college singles become an easy way to escape from reality (and yes, I am referring to Friends and How I Met Your Mother).

But then came along The Bachelor, the idea that the perfect prince charming was at your fingertips and all you had to do was wear a cute dress and appear before millions. This was something all single (and even non-single) hopeless romantics would just sink for. Go on a date on a multimillion dollar yacht, go cliff diving in the Caribbean or take a helicopter tour of a foreign countryside.

Not to be forgotten is the fact that you have to vie for his heart against several fierce competitors...oh wait, I mean potential romantic interests.

This recurrent theme can be described by an age-old two-word phrase: cat fight.

This is the one "redeeming quality" I do appreciate in The Bachelor. While I don't condone the fairy tales that this ratings-monster enforces, I acknowledge that it hasn't created this fantasy either. That has been taken care of by hundreds of years of socialization and does not look like it will change anytime soon. I accept it for what it is, but let's be very clear...average guys are not benefiting from this show in any way shape or form.

Egypt, New York

Egypt, New York is a small township in the western part of the state. In order to find it on a map, you will have to reference the most local atlas at your library. There are hardly any search inquiries for Egypt on the internet. Search Egypt, NY and you will probably be directed to a flight booking website offering flights from New York City to Cairo. The most famous person from Egypt is probably the local pastor. Everyone in Egypt, NY probably knows each other and likes each other as well.

That's why I was surprised when protesters in Madison, WI were comparing their living conditions to the people in Egypt. Since most of these Midwesterners have never been to the Middle East, it only made sense to me that they were referring to Egypt, NY. Of course it seemed unlikely that so many Wisconsinites knew this quaint town a few miles away from where I grew up, but this seemed like the only logical explanation for their deep knowledge of the conditions in Egypt.

But as I listened and observed to what they were saying about Egypt and how it related to their current "struggle" in Madison, I realized they were actually alluding to the recent protests in Egypt...the country. I understood the protest parallel but frankly, it made little to no sense to me how this union protest in Madison, WI, one of the most liberal friendly towns in America, could remind anyone of the turbulent and sometimes violent struggle thousands of miles away.

There was one sign that read, "I went to Rome, and came back to Egypt." Clearly, the bearer of this sign must have experienced harsh dictatorship, unaffordable food prices and fear of death when he got home. Sounds like he should have stayed in Rome.

I guess it becomes even more obvious how absurd these metaphor slinging, attention-whores have gotten, when their standard bearer, Mr. Jon Stewart, has dropped them like they're hot.

On his quasi-news, quasi-comedy, yet totally entertaining, Daily Show, Stewart called out those stupid enough to make the Madison to Egypt comparison by setting the facts straight. First, that people have very short memories and tend to use the most recent news story to create some kind of world narrative that doesn't quite add up. Protest is part of human nature. Just because two are going on at the same time does not mean that they are in any way, shape or form, related (direct quote from Stewart). In fact, I even believe some protesters in Madison thought they were carrying some imaginary torch passed on to them from Egypt, when they decided to take to the streets. When I hear such sentiments as "I'm now part of history" I cannot refrain from taking the protesters less seriously. Last time I checked, history only takes place years after a given time or event. Maybe, it's the social networking phenomenon that convinced us that we can instantly be a part of history. After all, that kind of technology has already made us more self-oriented than ever before.

The second point Stewart made was no where in Madison, WI nor the United States of America for that matter, are protesters being exposed to oncoming bullets or savage mob activity. In fact, people around the world have been providing free food and drink to the Madison protesters, via local delivery services. I think it would be nice if some of the protesters in Egypt had gotten a free slice of pizza when they were trying to dodge bullets. It would only seem fair.

The third point, and most revealing in my mind, was reminding everyone that Governor Walker was elected with 52% of the state's vote just months ago. Everyone knew who Scott Walker was and what he was going to do. Those who didn't, should have done some research on him or not have voted for him in the first place. Supposedly, there should be around 52% of Wisconsinites who agree with this collective bargain-squashing bill. Unfortunately, there are much less than that figure, because people didn't do their homework. Or maybe, the Obamaniacs weren't as energized as they were in 2008 and weren't able to swing a very impressionable segment of the Wisconsin population. Either way, Walker is no Mubarak. If anything, he's just the tails on a heads or tails flip for control of the governorship (or at least the way it usually breaks down in such a purple state).

What's most disturbing about this sensationalism is that it does not give brave protesters who risk their lives for what they believe in, a fair shake. By making outlandish comparisons to situations we don't even understand, we are minimalizing the contribution those in the Middle East are making towards democracy (or at least hopefully, towards that end). I know, it's not a lot of people who were making this analogy but it would have been assuring if those in their ranks could have spoken up and told them to leave the bull shit at home. That above most other things, would have at least convinced me that these protesters in Madison, WI have some real courage.